Living well in a Plan B life

Every day, my upstairs neighbor walks up the stairs, bursts through the door, and says “Hello, beautiful!” to his wife.  I’m usually fixing supper or unwinding on the couch when he does this, and it always makes me smile.  I wistfully think to myself, “I want that someday”.  I wonder how normal these little salutations are for some people.  I wonder what that’s like.

I spend a great deal of my life in my head.  I’ve always been that way, even as a kid.  I’m in a constant state of wondering, wishing, dreaming.  Even when I’m out with friends, or at work, it’s a struggle for me to be fully present.  It’s a weakness of mine and not one that I’m particularly proud of.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t over-think things so much.  Sometimes I wish I could just…be.

And lately, I’ve been wondering, how can I be happy in a “Plan B” life?

It’s no secret that I’ve always yearned for marriage and a family. I’m pretty open about it here in my blog, because I’m trying to write my way to contentment.  I can safely say that I’ve been looking for my husband since Kindergarten!  It didn’t turn out to be Kevin Martin of St. Patrick’s in Carlsbad; in fact, it didn’t turn out to be anyone.  And, as my 37th birthday is swiftly approaching, I’m faced with an all-too-familiar pain.  I didn’t meet him this year.  Another year has gone by, and he’s not here.  Another year has gone by, and I don’t have a baby growing inside of me.  Another year…another year…another year.  Life seems to stay exactly the same for me.  And I don’t understand why.

This wasn’t my “Plan A”.  I knew in middle school that I wanted to be a speech-language pathologist.  And that’s exactly what I did.  I went straight to college after high school, and earned my bachelor’s degree.  Then I went right into my master’s program, followed by my fellowship year as a new SLP.  And by 26, I was set.  I began working in my field, bought my first real car (in my head, I bought an SUV thinking it would be full of little kids in a few years anyway), and then I began my “hunt”.  I was now able to provide for a family and earn a decent living.

I’ve had several significant relationships over the last ten years.  And I loved those people, deeply.  It seems to take me several years in-between to heal, but for those several I had, my heart grew and swelled and broke, and eventually mended, albeit scarred.  And although these were wonderful men who are now married, they just weren’t mine.  Trust me when I say, I never thought I’d be here.  Still single, without any remote prospect in sight, renting a place in one of the most expensive counties in California, and still doing the same things I’ve been doing for ten years.

This wasn’t my plan.  This wasn’t what I signed up for.

A couple of months ago, I went through what I guess would be called a crisis of faith.  I started to have serious doubts about God, who he was, and if I even believed in him.  Was he cruel? Was he a monster? Was he a figment of our imagination? As a life-long Catholic (but not always a good one), this persistent doubt rocked me to my core.  Sure, I’d waxed and waned in my faith over the years, but I never doubted God’s existence.  Nevertheless, here I was, feeling like I had to make a choice.  God hadn’t answered my prayers, and nothing in my life looked how I wanted it to.  And, I didn’t feel like I was asking for unrealistic things.  Just what he gives people everyday – love, children, and a home.  That’s all I’ve prayed for.  I felt myself growing angry with God, and started to doubt his goodness.  I started to think about walking away from my Catholic faith, for the first time in my life.

On top of my festering disappointment, I have been dealing with challenges of living with an autoimmune disease, Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.  I’ve had to completely change the way I think about food, and even things like lotions, makeup, nail polish, shampoo, and COFFEE! My body is slowly attacking my thyroid, until one day, there will be nothing left.  It’s a race against time to try and reverse the damage that’s already been done, and I can reverse it by healing my gut, and lowering my antibodies.  It probably started in graduate school, and over the years, stress, environmental toxins, and my genetics created the perfect storm for it to rear it’s ugly head.  There are so many days I wake up and want to cry.  I’m just.so.tired.  I wonder how I am going to face the day with this crippling fatigue.  Somehow I manage, but again, feeling like I’m 90 years old at 36 was never my “Plan A”.

A couple of months ago, I discovered a book called, “Disappointment with God”, by Phillip Yancey.  Once I started reading it, I couldn’t put it down.  I found myself saying, “yes! yes! YES!” over and over.  This guy got it.  He understood.  Finally, someone who understands living a life that looked nothing like your dreams.

In this book, Yancey gently answers “Three Questions No One Asks Aloud”: Is God unfair? Is God silent? Is God hidden? He takes his reader through the Old Testament, and how God, since the time of Adam and Eve, was constantly yearning for the love of His children.  He likened himself to a jilted lover, then went through the same emotions that you and I go through when we experience rejection.  Anger, sadness, bargaining, obsession.  God was so wounded by his people, but he could never just give up on them.  He gave them chance after chance.  And, he went from being a somewhat visible God (think burning bush, pillar in the desert) but even then, even with proof of his existence, his people still turned from him and began to worship the golden calf.  So, God realized that signs and wonders didn’t earn love, so He scaled those back.  He became more hidden, and hid himself in the form of a baby.  And when he could have freely intervened and freed Jesus from the cross, he remained silent.  He turned his back on Jesus, if only for a time.  He couldn’t bear to look upon sin, and even Jesus uttered “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?” Even Jesus knew disappointment of the acutest kind.

Somehow, we’re supposed to believe that this God is loving?

What I learned through this book, is no – he is not unfair.  He is not silent.  He is not hidden.  All he ever wanted is our total, free love.  Love that isn’t forced, love that isn’t the result of a sign or a wonder.  Love that is the result of faith.  We just sometimes misinterpret his lack of answering our prayers to him being a cruel and distant God.  Life sometimes isn’t fair, but God is.  We may not see him in a burning bush in the year 2017, but he is still here and in every moment with us during our day.  He is not hidden from us, he is very much visible in the Eucharist when we receive communion, and is very much present when we crack open our bible.  He is present in the love of our families, friends, co-workers, and our fellow man.  He is present in the cool breeze in the evening.  In the giggle of a baby.  In the playfulness of a baby fox.  In the beauty of a rose.  He is here.

After my Tet-te-te with God one night where I screamed and yelled at him, I realized that if even Jesus could experience God’s silence, and disappointment, and agony, then I was in really, really good company.  And God ultimately had a purpose for his silence, or lack of intervention. It was so that we could ultimately be with him for eternity.  He sent his son as a savior for us.  That’s how NOT silent he is.  He is speaking loud and clear – please, follow my son and love me. I want to be with you forever.

So, maybe overhearing my neighbor say “Hello, beautiful!” is all I have right now, but maybe one day I will hear that from my own husband.  And sure, I don’t have a pretty ring on my finger, but I do have a beautiful rose-gold ring with my birthstone, that I had made in memory of my grandfather when he passed away.  I don’t have a husband, but God gave me Tomas, the handyman extraordinaire of our complex who will drop everything to help me.  I don’t have children of my own, but I do have 70 students I treat at work, a beautiful handful of children in my life that belong to my best friends, my adorable niece Kalea, and sweet Angel who I sponsor in Tanzania.  I don’t have a home, but I do have a roof over my head.  I don’t have my own family, but I have wonderful parents who love me, two brothers I adore, and friends that have become blood over the years.  And, my health isn’t the best right now, but I live in a time where science is so advanced that we understand how autoimmune diseases work, and we understand how organic, natural God-given food can heal us.

God isn’t unfair.  He isn’t silent.  He isn’t hidden.  He’s heard my prayers, and yours too.  He knows the pain you and I both feel.  Maybe you suffer from infertility.  Maybe you just lost your job.  Maybe you lost a parent.  Maybe your marriage is ending.  Maybe you were diagnosed with a terminal illness.  And maybe you are angry with God.

I was, too.

But he is here.  And maybe this life wasn’t my Plan A, or your Plan A.  But he will work with your life, and work it all together for good, for those that love him.  I don’t understand his ways or his reasons, but I know that we can trust him. He knows what he is doing, even if we don’t.

And maybe it took a Plan B life, for me to finally realize that.

Until then, dear reader.

Sheila