A vocation to love

Last month, on April 1st, I drove through the city of Los Angeles and crept my way into the suburbs of Alhambra.  I slowed my car down, not wanting to miss my destination.  My eyes came upon a beautiful secluded entrance to a property, with roses peeking out amidst a garland of greenery, decorating the arched entrance.  My eyes locked on a waving nun and a young woman at the entrance. I was here. I had arrived at the convent, The Carmelite Sisters of the Most Sacred Heart of Los Angeles.

Surely this is an April fools joke, right Lord? I thought to myself.

But it was no joke.

Let me backtrack a little.

About two years ago, I was nursing an acutely broken heart.  One night, I remember crying gently on my pillow.  I asked the Lord, “What do you want from my life?” I was heartbroken, exhausted, and bewildered by a lost love.  And not a moment later, I heard a gentle but matter-of-fact voice speak to my heart; “I want you for myself“.  I remember furrowing my brow and found myself confused and rather disturbed by that answer.  That answer surely wouldn’t have come from me, because that was the last thing I wanted to hear at that moment.  But, I was tired, my eyes were swollen from crying, and I nodded off to sleep.  I didn’t think about that night for another two years.

Last March, I stumbled across a blog that discussed the topic of vocations.  I was researching the idea of vocations in general…the vocation to marriage, the vocation to consecrated single life, and religious vocations.  My cursor floated around a video of a young nun’s story, and I clicked on it.  I was curious.  What had led her there? I wondered.

I watched as she explained that she was a nurse, in her mid-twenties, but wasn’t finding peace in her life.  She explained that she would come home, and have a sense of being unfulfilled in her current season of life.  One night, she was praying, and she felt Jesus ask her to give over her hopes, her dreams, and her plans for her future.  Once she had done that, she asked him, “What do you want from me?”, and she heard a distinct “I want you for myself“.  Now, when I heard that, I gasped and covered my mouth.  That’s what I had heard too! She went on to explain that she felt joyful and finally knew her purpose, and she was so happy.  She wanted to yell it from the rooftops! I watched the video until the end.  I sat there for a while, stunned.  I slumped in my chair a little.  I stared at the ceiling.  Finally, I buried my head in my hands and sighed, and said aloud, “Ok. You’ve got my attention.”

I researched nearby convents, and thought that I ought to spend time with the sisters, discerning a vocation.  The sister in the video had done that, so I figured I should as well.  I came across a convent in Los Angeles, and e-mailed the vocations director.  Soon, I was asked to write an autobiography about how God had brought me to my current season in life, and I was slated to volunteer the weekend of April 1-3.  The weekend happened to fall on Divine Mercy Sunday, and I was looking forward to that.

So, on April 1st, I pulled up to the gate, took a deep breath, and drove up the long driveway.

As I exited my car, I was introduced to the sister who was in charge of vocations, Sister Faustina.  She was a slender and graceful woman about my age, with a piercing gaze and a calm demeanor.  I met the other young woman, who was also discerning her vocation, Anna.  She and I would be sharing a room for the weekend, along with another young woman.  We walked around the campus.  I was overcome by the fragrant beautiful roses on the property, the joy on the faces of the other sisters we met, and the lovely chapel.  I laughed as I caught a glimpse of a group of sisters taking a selfie.  There were young sisters and older sisters, all smiling while holding their ice cream cups and pink spoons.  It was a treat for them, and they were so excited to eat a scoop of Baskin Robbin’s ice cream.  I marveled at the simplicity of their joy.  It was just ice cream, but for them, it seemed to be so much more.

I walked into my room.  There were three simple twin-sized beds, a bathroom, and a nightstand.  On the nightstand was a vase of a beautiful red rose, and two white roses with pink tips.  That’s interesting, I thought to myself. I wondered if those roses had any relation to the novena I had recently prayed, asking St. Therese of Lisieux to confirm something for me.  But I’ll get back to that.

I was told that the convent hosts various retreats, almost every weekend.  This weekend, there was a women’s retreat.  Myself, my two roomates, and the novices were going to be working in the kitchen, preparing meals for the retreatants of the conference.  So, we got started.  We put on our hair nets and aprons, and began preparing meals, setting the tables, and cleaning up.  After our meal, Sister Faustina had prepared a little activity for us during evening recreation.  We all sat on the porch, and each sister introduced herself, told us how long they had been a religious, and shared their favorite ice cream flavor.  I was amazed at their stories.  One sister had been a religious for 60 years! She was so tiny and hunched over, but she always had the sweetest smile on her face.  They were all so joyful. I couldn’t get over how joyful they all were.  We later participated in a little Easter egg hunt, and shared some laughs.  Soon, it was time for bed.  I was able to chat with my roomates a little, which was lovely.  We went to bed early, since we had to be in the chapel at 5:25 for prayers of the Divine Office, Morning Prayers, and a 30 minute meditation.    I went to sleep with so many thoughts floating around in my mind.  I thought to myself, In my twenties, I would spend my Friday nights going to a bar and having drinks, dancing, and talking to boys.  Here I am 35, and spending my Friday night Easter egg hunting with some nuns! I thought about the roses over there in the vase.  What did they mean? Did they mean anything at all? WHAT AM I DOING HERE?

Soon, I drifted off to sleep.

We woke up at 4:55, and went down to the chapel to begin our day with praying the Divine Office.  I had never prayed it before, but I was moved at how beautiful it was.  They sang praises to God for bringing them safely through the night.  They sang in one note, but it was hauntingly beautiful.  They sang in thanksgiving for the sun, the rain, all of these little joys that we take for granted…for God’s providence.  I was moved to tears!  Afterwards, we had 30 minutes to meditate.  I tried to clear my mind, and really hear God speak to me.  Then, we had Holy Mass.  After mass, we ate breakfast, then began our duty of preparing the meals for the retreatants, setting up the tables, cleaning up the tables, and so on.  I helped out in the bookstore, and before I knew it, it was time for a one-on-one meeting with Sister Faustina.

I was a little nervous to sit and talk to her.  I had never talked to a nun before.  She led me to the Holy Family garden, where she sat across from me.  I told myself, Don’t cry! Don’t cry, Sheila! Don’t cry, you stupid woman! And as soon as she looked into my eyes and said, “I read your autobiography.  Tell me…what is on your heart?” As soon as I opened my mouth, the tears started flowing.  I just couldn’t stop them.  The floodgates were open!

I told her that ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being a wife and a mother.  The thought to become a nun had never entered my mind.  And I told her that over the last two years, I felt that dream dying.  I felt time slipping through my fingers.  I explained how there were times in my adult life where a relationship could have ended in marriage.  But, something inevitably always went wrong and I was the one left with a broken heart.  I told her how many times I “put myself out there”, how much I had prayed for it, kept my heart open for it, and it only ended in pain.  I explained that I no longer dreamed of walking down the aisle anymore, or holding my newborn baby in my arms.  I told her that I spent the last year grieving a dream that was not coming true, because I had it in my head that if it hadn’t happened by 35, I was going to throw in the towel.  Then, I explained that two years ago, I head the Lord say to me, “I want you for myself“, and now I was wondering if I was supposed to be a nun. But I never wanted to be a nun! I was surprised at the force with which I was crying.  But, she just kindly looked at me and as I apologized profusely, she assured me that all young women who have their one-on-one with her end up crying.  I felt better after that.

She said, “He does want you for himself, Sheila”.

I looked at her quizzically, as I blew my nose.

Oh no! Here it comes! She’s going to tell you that you are supposed to be a nun, I thought.

“This idea, that it had to happen by 35, where did that come from?”.  She asked.

“I don’t know”, I said through tears.  “It just was always there…this benchmark I had to meet.  And now that that age has come and gone, my hope has gone too.”

I cried some more.

She said to me, “You know, this number…may be an idea that you have given yourself, but it might not be coming from our Lord.  And generally, in my experience, when someone has marriage and family on their heart as strongly as you do, usually there is a reason for it.”

I perked up a little.

She went on. “Everything you are feeling, is normal.  You are a woman.  You were created to love.  You were created to nurture, to care for, and to give life.  These are good things! And so, when you feel that these desires are halted, there is a lot of anxiety and frustration.  But, you were called to be a wife and mother.  But, the Lord may have a different way that you exercise this.  And that is what think you can pray about. You may not be called to the religious life.  But you heard him correct, He does want you for himself.”

She wrote down two things for me to pray about, on the back of my folded up schedule for the weekend.   She recommended a book, Fire Within, by Fr. Dubay.  She also wrote down two prayer requests that I was to bring to the Lord.

How am I called to be a wife and mother?

What is your mission?

I thanked her and hugged her and tucked the note in my pocket.  I felt such relief.  It was okay that I wanted to be a wife! It was okay that I wanted to be a mother! These were God-given desires.  But, I just needed to ask Jesus how He would go about seeing that I fulfilled those roles in my life.  To start, she recommended I could use my “mothering desire” with my students, who may come from a troubled home life.  I could use that energy as an auntie, and with my friend’s children.  And, for the time being, I could practice being a wife by being Christ’s wife.  I should develop a relationship with him, just as I would with my future husband.  I should get to know him by reading his love letters – His word.  I should spend time talking with him throughout the day, not just before bed.  I should wake and thank Him for bringing me safely through the night, and tell him about my day ahead, and ask Him to be with me.  I should give him my whole heart, my whole soul, and all of my love.  If a husband ever comes around, I’ll already know how to love him, because Christ will have taught me.  I wouldn’t need to look to my husband to be my savior.  I will have already found that.

I felt so much better.  I walked around the campus with a little more spring in my step.  We had our evening prayers and Salve, prepared the retreatants dinner, and cleaned up.  Sometimes, I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror.  I had no make-up on, a hair net, and an apron.  And for the first time in a long time, I felt beautiful.  Not because of anything external, but because I was serving my husband.  I was serving Christ. Doing work for him, made me feel beautiful.  He made me beautiful.

I looked at the sisters.  They had no make-up, a brown habit, black sensible shoes and glasses.  They were discouraged from looking in mirrors, and would often look away if they walked by one.  Even something like looking in a mirror would take away from their focus – which is serving and loving the Lord, and completely dying to self.  I marveled at the contrast between Kim Kardashian, who around the same time as my retreat, sent the internet on fire for flipping off the camera with her friend in the bathroom, naked, because they couldn’t find anything to wear.  I mentally contrasted her to these sisters, who made a deliberate attempt to look away from the mirror.  Now, Kim Kardashian is also a daughter of God, but I doubt she understands yet that she doesn’t need to bare her body in order for her to be beautiful.  I pray one day she does.

The next day was Divine Mercy Sunday.  We were able to sleep in until 5:30, and at 6:00, began our day with Morning Prayers.  We made breakfast for the women, cleaned up, and later, I walked across the street to St. Therese Catholic Church (another interesting coincidence), and I received confession by a Franciscan priest.  I asked her to please let me know if the roses I saw in my room were her answer to my prayer. At the retreat house, I received Holy Communion, and felt so joyful.  I prepared my belongings, and said my goodbyes to Sister Faustina.

At 3:00, I said the Divine Mercy chaplet, and prayed those two prayers that Sister Faustina told me to pray.

I’ve been praying them daily ever since.

Maybe, I’ll never walk down the aisle.  Maybe, I’ll never hold a newborn in my arms.  But, you know what? I’m working hard on being content with that.  I’m spending a lot of time praying with Jesus, talking to Him throughout my day, and I talk to him at night.  I sit on the floor next to my bed, and I set out a wicker chair I’ve had since childhood, and I ask him to sit in it.  I look up at the chair and I just talk to him.  I talk to him, about every little thing.  Sometimes I cry.  Sometimes, I get up in the chair and I imagine he is holding me.  But all times, I know he is there.

Am I a wife?  No, not in the traditional sense.  But I am falling in love with a man that will never break my heart.  He is the husband that I’ve been looking for my whole life.  I am falling in love with our Lord.

Am I a mother? No, I am not.  But I can be a mother figure to my students, and I can love the children of my friends, and I can love (and spoil) my niece!

And as for the roses in my room, I had finished a 9-day novena to St. Therese of Lisieux.  I had asked for a red rose, as a confirmation that my vocation was marriage.  And in my room, was that beautiful red rose.

Do I have it figured out? No where close.  But, I do know two things after this retreat.

1. I am called to be a wife and a mother
2. My vocation is to love

I will just have to wait and see how God will unfold those plans. I am sure he will surprise me!  Maybe I’ll end up living in Colorado someday, in the mountains, a foster mom to many children, and I’ll marry a NorthFace-Subaru-driving bearded mountain man. Maybe I will adopt? Maybe I won’t marry until much later in life? Maybe I will literally bump into my future husband tomorrow at Boot Camp? Maybe I will simply be a spiritual mother to a child overseas.  It is exciting to think about the ways in which God’s plan may happen.

But for now, I have an important date, on the floor of my bedroom, looking into a chair, with the lover of my soul.

Until then, dear readers.

Sheila