The Four Loves

Ah, love.

It is the enigmatic force that makes our world go ’round.  Today, on St. Valentine’s Day, we celebrate it with chocolate, flowers, and lavish gifts. Philosophers have pondered it, theologians have studied it, musicians sing about it, and poets attempt to capture it with paper and pen.  But what is this force, that would bring a man down to one knee and propose marriage –  a total denial of self – to a woman for the rest of his life? What is it, that plunges a priest or a sister into a life of service and celibacy? What is it, that brings a mother through hours of painful labor and later a lifetime of total self-sacrifice? What makes a young man give up his life for the sake of his country and fellow man?   What would cause a man to be willingly nailed to a cross 2,000 years ago?

We know what it is called.  We know what it makes us do.

But what is it?

I looked for an answer (as I always do) in a book.

Now, the bible is surely the truest source of authority on the topic of love.  However, I found my tea-stained copy of C.S. Lewis’ The Four Loves to be an applicable wealth of knowledge of the four distinct types of human love.  Lewis states that human love can be categorized into four Greek terms, each type with unique characteristics and motives.

Storge: Affection Love

Phileo: Friendship Love

Eros: Romantic Love

Agape: Divine Love

Storge Love, is sometimes referred to as “the frosting on the cake”.  This is the most simplest of the loves.  The joy in watching children play, a bird flying across the sky, or getting lost in a good book or movie.  Now, one must take precaution not to get too consumed with this kind of love, lest it lead to selfishness or hedonism.  However, like the frosting on the cake, it is an important part of enjoying the other kinds of love.

Phileo Love, could be considered the “punch” in a bowl at a party.  It is the least jealous of the loves.  This is the kind of love that emerges when two or more companions learn that they share a common interest or passion.  Friendship is born.  Phileo love always points to a certain goal, a certain end.  Curiously, Lewis states that this is the least needed kind of love, but one that is usually the longest lasting of the earthly loves.

Eros Love, This is the “cake” itself.  This love that can either become a beautiful light, or turn into a scorching fire.  While “being in love” takes effort and is the result of the free will to love,  the concept of “falling in love” is attributed to Plato, wherein between two lovers is “the mutual recognition on earth of souls who have been singled out for one another in a previous and celestial existence”.  Many of us are led believe based on movies and novels and music that this feeling – is – real love.  According to Lewis, the former – one can control, the latter – one cannot control.  In other words, we can decide to be in love (i.e. make a commitment) but we often cannot help who we “fall in love” with.   Eros love does not aim at happiness, but on a particular person.

Agape Love, This is the highest and most unselfish kind of love.  This is the kind of love where we offer someone a piece of our cake.  It is the true definition of Charity.  It does not come easily to us as human beings, in that it goes against our very nature.  It loves the unlovable, the undeserving, the ugly.  It gives all and asks for nothing in return.  It takes the greatest risk, and feels the fall the hardest.  This is the kind of love Christ commands us to have for one another.  Total, unabashed, Agape love.

While love has always been a mystery for many people, I think it’s especially difficult to find these days.  Ours is a generation of instant-gratification, quick-fixes, swipe-left or swipe right.  We live in virtual worlds, and are left befuddled when “real” love presents itself.  A recent study showed that “love” was ironically the most common word found in the comments section on pornographic websites.  We are a generation looking for love in all of the wrong places.

So where do we go from here? Are we doomed as a generation, as a society?

I do not know the answer.  I am neither an optimist or a pessimist.  I am simply a realist.  I am just as uncertain as the next person, and admittedly disillusioned with the trends I see in my generation.  I’m just hoping to find my way – by writing my way –  through it.  Hence, the name of the blog.  I want to find contentment among the chaos, peace among the uncertainty, and love…even when all hope seems lost.

I think that is what we are all searching for – contentment.  We are all searching for love, and perhaps we have simply lost our way.

If we aren’t sure of where to start, just look to those in your life.  Maybe we need to pick up the phone and call our friend.  Cook a meal for someone who is sick.  Visit someone in a hospital.  When we decide to start by loving others as Christ calls us to love – I think that is where we find contentment. When we give of ourselves, we are filled up.  Truly, it is in giving that we receive.

Again, this does not come easily or naturally. As human beings, our nature is to think of self first.  This is the thorn in our side that we must bear as long as we are this side of heaven.  I can vouch for myself, that I tend to get caught up in my own selfish pity party far too often.  Being introverted certainly doesn’t help my cause.  I quickly get sucked into a downward spiral of thoughts that lead me to think that I am better off not giving my heart to anyone – because ultimately, I will just be let down.  In my genuine yet misguided search for Eros, I have experienced my fill of heartache. I have loved and lost. I have had dreams that never came true.  And after years of disappointment, I seemed to lose my steam for other kinds of love, like Phileo and Agape love.  Perhaps I was so focused on finding it, that I lost sight of what true love really is, and how it was and always has been all around me.

I don’t know what scares me more – staying there, in that frozen state, or venturing out again.

But, perhaps, that is precisely why we should give our hearts to others.  Because it is far more terrifying to keep our hearts locked inside.  After all, Lewis summed it up this way:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable, love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.  If you want to make of keeping it intact…you must give your heart to no one, not even an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxeries; avoid all entanglements.  Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  To love is to be vulnerable.”

Sounds awfully daunting, doesn’t it?

It takes courage.  Loving others is not for the faint-hearted.  So, this week, I am going to start flexing my heart muscles.  Like any muscle, cardiac muscle needs to move to get stronger.

I am going to call a friend to see how their day is going, and Phileo them.

I am going to watch a movie with my friends tonight, and Storge the experience.

I am going to Agape my neighbors in my community by providing an act of service.

And as for Eros…well, I will let God take care of that. It may never come, and I am finally starting to accept that (although it took a lot of kicking and screaming).  For the first time, I have abandoned the search. I’ve got to say, it feels wonderfully freeing to let go.

Whatever God’s plan is, I realize now I already have a lot of love in my life to fill my heart.

Happy St. Valentine’s Day, dear readers.

Until next time,

Sheila